Fair & Balanced News from the World of Cedron 2
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“Knawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning." I believe this quote from Treebeard the Ent in Two Towers is appropriate to articulate the carnage caused by Tornado Trevor. I know what you’re going to say: only tropical storms get get cool names like Trevor. Well, this Tornado was a downright doozers and deserved its moniker.
Trevor, once predicted to stay over the Sayswow Ocean by the geniuses at stormguess.com, made a hard left and crashed straight into the 173rd annual Cedron 2 Pickleball Tournament sponsored by Vavoovi’s Mortgage and Loan. Rackets, nets, pickleballs, refreshments and even citizens found themselves directly hurled into the eye of the beaststorm.
Millions in damages are reported but remarkably the tournament proceeded, with Esther Lamspon winning the finals in straight sets.
- Blubby Misk
- Cedron 2 Sports Reporter
Trevor, once predicted to stay over the Sayswow Ocean by the geniuses at stormguess.com, made a hard left and crashed straight into the 173rd annual Cedron 2 Pickleball Tournament sponsored by Vavoovi’s Mortgage and Loan. Rackets, nets, pickleballs, refreshments and even citizens found themselves directly hurled into the eye of the beaststorm.
Millions in damages are reported but remarkably the tournament proceeded, with Esther Lamspon winning the finals in straight sets.
- Blubby Misk
- Cedron 2 Sports Reporter
Ex firefighter/amateur writer Hasky Anplerson has struck a chord with personal accounts of Felines being rescued from Pines and Elms. Anplerson(77) worked for over five decades at Local 81 firehouse right here in Cedron 2. “Doing cpr, putting out fires and saving lives is all well and good” Anplerson writes “but the real joy from this profession is reuniting a scared Kitty with its equally frightened family”.
The book currently sits atop the Times best seller list and most critics attribute the success to Hasky’s wonderful small town insight and craft wielding prose, while others note the book does not take flight without the exposure of the melicious Firechief Mabs Teardrum. Teardrum(61) was exposed by Anplersons book for “juking the stats” as they say in the Wire. For years the chief lied about the amount of kitties being saved to receive inflated state and federal funding. This scandal shocked and rocked the community of Cedron 2 but sure did help with book sales.
-Neschen Flice
-Cedron 2 Local Beat
The book currently sits atop the Times best seller list and most critics attribute the success to Hasky’s wonderful small town insight and craft wielding prose, while others note the book does not take flight without the exposure of the melicious Firechief Mabs Teardrum. Teardrum(61) was exposed by Anplersons book for “juking the stats” as they say in the Wire. For years the chief lied about the amount of kitties being saved to receive inflated state and federal funding. This scandal shocked and rocked the community of Cedron 2 but sure did help with book sales.
-Neschen Flice
-Cedron 2 Local Beat
When reviewing Elementary School plays the grains of salt are certainly factored,but in this case I would need to dump the entire bottle of Morton’s to cover up this epic and hiploctic disaster.
Historically, 3rd grade drama director Veren Wobloskers plays are a delightful way to wrap the school year, remind us summer is on the horizon and often dazzle with renditions of classic theatre. (Four sun cycles ago the performance of Grease won Wobloskers(48) a little tony for best director in the 9u category).This year the Auteur was not up to the task.
It’s main problem was casting Kappy Perkins as Peter Pan. Perkins(8) forgot lines, missed cues and at one point broke the 5th wall to say hi to its Uncle Vic sitting in the front row. Not that a competent Pan could save this sloppy pb&j mess, as everything from the rickety set designs to a cellphone flashlight used as the spotlight completely failed to suspend my disbelief. This is something I would expect from a 2nd grade production.
The Cedron 2 Elementary Tribune billed the boy who wouldn’t grow up as the event of the year, if true wake me when it’s New Years. Seriously, put me in one of those time freezer things.
-Y.R. Tundydream
-Cedron 2 Gazette Theatre Beat
Historically, 3rd grade drama director Veren Wobloskers plays are a delightful way to wrap the school year, remind us summer is on the horizon and often dazzle with renditions of classic theatre. (Four sun cycles ago the performance of Grease won Wobloskers(48) a little tony for best director in the 9u category).This year the Auteur was not up to the task.
It’s main problem was casting Kappy Perkins as Peter Pan. Perkins(8) forgot lines, missed cues and at one point broke the 5th wall to say hi to its Uncle Vic sitting in the front row. Not that a competent Pan could save this sloppy pb&j mess, as everything from the rickety set designs to a cellphone flashlight used as the spotlight completely failed to suspend my disbelief. This is something I would expect from a 2nd grade production.
The Cedron 2 Elementary Tribune billed the boy who wouldn’t grow up as the event of the year, if true wake me when it’s New Years. Seriously, put me in one of those time freezer things.
-Y.R. Tundydream
-Cedron 2 Gazette Theatre Beat
For the last 637 sun cycles Cedron 2 citizens have partook and partaken in the gathering of food, drink, booths and mild laughter. The annual Street Fair on Main Street is eagerly anticipated by all creatures, including yours truly and of course didn’t disappoint. The only hard part about this article was narrowing down my list to only five big takeaways.....But here goes nothing.....
1. The Rumple spice cake was a pleasant surprise.
2. Geldon’s ice sculpture was magnificent but melted before most citizens gazed.
3. Police deputy Janson Mapor-Winx set a new record in being dunked 136 times in the Diabetes charity dunk tank.
4. The Foblioborb races yielded multiple storylines: Including a new saddle for Receptionariat and why is Oceanbiscuit so fast?
5. The bank set up a wonderfully strategic beer garden RIGHT ON MAIN STREET!!!!! Lines were far better than last year. Really just boils down to a splendid line design. Thanks Bank.
-F.B. Narbs
-Cedron 2 Beat Reporter
1. The Rumple spice cake was a pleasant surprise.
2. Geldon’s ice sculpture was magnificent but melted before most citizens gazed.
3. Police deputy Janson Mapor-Winx set a new record in being dunked 136 times in the Diabetes charity dunk tank.
4. The Foblioborb races yielded multiple storylines: Including a new saddle for Receptionariat and why is Oceanbiscuit so fast?
5. The bank set up a wonderfully strategic beer garden RIGHT ON MAIN STREET!!!!! Lines were far better than last year. Really just boils down to a splendid line design. Thanks Bank.
-F.B. Narbs
-Cedron 2 Beat Reporter
Hail Hail the greatest Milk Deliverer in history!! Hail Hail the most magnificent Cow Juice provider in our known multiverse!! This past Sat at 4:15am, Garp Noonell surpassed Gissy Fields and became the first Milk Custodian to reach the impossible milestone. Noonell was once a protege of Fields but the two found themselves on opposite sides of the Milk Wars of ‘88. Despite Garp’s lack of mentor, it thrived on its own and continued to innovate the game. Mobile milking, the use of robots and a new website design all helped catapult this one of a kind Milk purveyor to epic stratosphere’s.
-Neschen Flice
-Cedron 2 Local Beat
-Neschen Flice
-Cedron 2 Local Beat
Citizens of Cedron 2 have spoken and the spoke is resounding! “We must obliterate the windmill! If not for our generation than for all creatures who follow” exclaimed Nix Nox Blyerdell(82) who owns the Foblioborb Ranch just east of the Spoggy River. Blyerdell isn’t the only one who dreams of an awakening.....the Deputy Mayor, two city Counsellors and Pogont the Regal all back leveling the iconic wind pusher. Once considered the heart and guts of town this mill of wind has blown its course.....and in the humble opinion of this reporter.....Demolition day can’t come soon enough. Speaking of demolition, join me for my column next week when I review the classic film Demolition Man starring Stallone and Snipes.
-B.W. Meclongroose
-Cedron 2 Gazette staff reporter
-B.W. Meclongroose
-Cedron 2 Gazette staff reporter
Is there anything better than a slurp of Orange Julius following a poster purchase at Hot Topic??? No way any sane creature would disagree with that statement. This critical thinking is at the heart of the Norky Twins latest venture.
Directly across Main Street, from the Main Street Mall, the once conjoined twins have broken ground on a state-of-the-art shopping zone, simply named “Glumk the Mall”. Glumk will be twice the length and eight times the width as it’s Competitor.
Three Orange Julius’ and four Hot Topic’s are rumored to be opening storefronts, leaving one to wonder what does this mean for the Old Mall? Similar to a Horse Buggy operator seeing its first Model T or Mrs. Garret learning the stakes of her gold claim, they both knew the Thunder was coming. LISTEN TO THE THUNDER OLD MALL!!
-B.W. Meclangroose
-Cedron 2 Entertainment Beat
Directly across Main Street, from the Main Street Mall, the once conjoined twins have broken ground on a state-of-the-art shopping zone, simply named “Glumk the Mall”. Glumk will be twice the length and eight times the width as it’s Competitor.
Three Orange Julius’ and four Hot Topic’s are rumored to be opening storefronts, leaving one to wonder what does this mean for the Old Mall? Similar to a Horse Buggy operator seeing its first Model T or Mrs. Garret learning the stakes of her gold claim, they both knew the Thunder was coming. LISTEN TO THE THUNDER OLD MALL!!
-B.W. Meclangroose
-Cedron 2 Entertainment Beat
Steak and Frogurt are all well and good but it’s the oval shaped delight that invades our dreamspace. Cookies are, inarguably the worlds favorite food, however streaming giant Pelch intends to ask the question do we always want them?
Based off the prank show format Kutch perfected in the early aughts “Cookies when you don’t want them” places normal citizens in the eye of a comedy storm. Just waking up, whilst in the shower, during a Peloton workout and in the middle of a funeral are all hilarious set ups for this acclaimed work of art.
Providing criminal esq tax breaks for reality show executives, Cedron 2 has become THE place to film. Similar shows like “False medical test results” and “Dry cleaning mixups” have also found a home in our friendly confines. So why waste your time on hour long dramas that try and make you think when you can sit back and do anything but.
-B.W. Meclangroose
-Cedron 2 Entertainment beat
Based off the prank show format Kutch perfected in the early aughts “Cookies when you don’t want them” places normal citizens in the eye of a comedy storm. Just waking up, whilst in the shower, during a Peloton workout and in the middle of a funeral are all hilarious set ups for this acclaimed work of art.
Providing criminal esq tax breaks for reality show executives, Cedron 2 has become THE place to film. Similar shows like “False medical test results” and “Dry cleaning mixups” have also found a home in our friendly confines. So why waste your time on hour long dramas that try and make you think when you can sit back and do anything but.
-B.W. Meclangroose
-Cedron 2 Entertainment beat
Name: Chester Adclox
Pop Name: Chesterfield
Employer: Cedron 2 Permits & Forms
Happiness Levels: Mostly Low
Dreams: Playing Madison Square Garden
Realistic Dreams: Planting Kale in the Community Garden
New lyrics: “I ain’t got no peanut butter
And I ain’t got no jelly
Dreaming of a Sami to put in my belly
But I ain’t got no peanut butter
And I ain’t got no jelly
Guess I’ll just go hungry and see what’s on the telly”
Pop Name: Chesterfield
Employer: Cedron 2 Permits & Forms
Happiness Levels: Mostly Low
Dreams: Playing Madison Square Garden
Realistic Dreams: Planting Kale in the Community Garden
New lyrics: “I ain’t got no peanut butter
And I ain’t got no jelly
Dreaming of a Sami to put in my belly
But I ain’t got no peanut butter
And I ain’t got no jelly
Guess I’ll just go hungry and see what’s on the telly”
“The worst case scenario has descended on our small, sleepy town and only God can save us now”. Although Space Agriculturist/Space Economist Dr. Slonk Noftens words seem bleak, we all know they aren’t wrong.
Rocket freighter costs and over fishing of the Padway Nebula have certainly contributed to the rising cost of Space Crabs but gluttony and selfishness have truly paved our silly path. We eat Space Crab for breakfast in our cereal flakes and smothered upon bagel, we eat Space Crab for midday treat in our soup and layered upon sandwich and when we dine no meal is safe from the outer space delight.
Until we regulate daily consumption or relay inverted suggestions from the pulpit the Mubs in our pocket will scatter and scurry like the tasty Space Crabs themselves after being discovered underneath a Space Rock.
-Wogfrog Yandella
-Cedron 2 Food and Living Beat
Rocket freighter costs and over fishing of the Padway Nebula have certainly contributed to the rising cost of Space Crabs but gluttony and selfishness have truly paved our silly path. We eat Space Crab for breakfast in our cereal flakes and smothered upon bagel, we eat Space Crab for midday treat in our soup and layered upon sandwich and when we dine no meal is safe from the outer space delight.
Until we regulate daily consumption or relay inverted suggestions from the pulpit the Mubs in our pocket will scatter and scurry like the tasty Space Crabs themselves after being discovered underneath a Space Rock.
-Wogfrog Yandella
-Cedron 2 Food and Living Beat